why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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