just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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