i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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