So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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