there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I enjoy the company of your penis
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
