two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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