when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
