Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
