Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
