I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
