I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
