this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Randomize
