i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
