shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
