Soap is not a condiment
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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