I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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