I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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