i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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