first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
