you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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