He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
