he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
