why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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