I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
