Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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