My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
