my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
