I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
