I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
