i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
