His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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