I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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