I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
