Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
