She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
