I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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