Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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