So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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