There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
