I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
