He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
