i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
this hospital has no fireball
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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