Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
