Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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