I need to stop coming to work sober
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
