Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
