I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
