Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Did I show you my penis last night?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
