Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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