At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
