This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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