i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
